Update

First of all, thank you for all of the birthday messages. You each made me feel so special and loved, and I much appreciate it.

My posts have grown less frequent, and there is a reason for that. Things have been more challenging. I finished round 5 last week. It's a new chemo drug and, with that, brought new challenges this time in the form of some pretty debilitating joint/bone pain. I have new respect for those of you that go through life with any sort of physical pain. It has been unbearable, at times, brought me to tears. I have been postponing writing a post because I am used to feeling pretty positive and didn't want to come across any other way. The truth is, though, that things have been hard both emotionally and physically.

When I was first diagnosed, I told the boys that to get better; I was first going to have to get sick. I knew that the boys would have to see me physically get sick through chemo, surgery, and radiation in order to get better.

These days, things are harder for me. I’m fatigued and don’t have much energy. I used to have chemo, sleep like crazy, but then I could bounce back. I wasn’t at 100%, but I felt better. I could go on walks and have the energy to jump on the trampoline with the boys or play games. Since the 4th chemo session, I haven’t been able to bounce back in the same way. My energy is low. I’ve needed to spend much more time resting, and when I’m not, I’m snuggled up with the boys on the couch watching a movie. On Christmas, Rick and I went for a walk with the boys around the block, and when I got home, I felt like I had just run a marathon. Now after round 5 of chemo, the pain in my joints and bones makes it hard even to concentrate and be present at times. I decided to stop teaching for now and started medical leave. Although a hard decision to make, it has been the right one.

The other day Greer said to me, “You look sick, Mom. This is the part, isn’t it? The part where you have to get sick so you can get better?” My heart just broke. What he says is true, but I hate that they see this. I know it’s scary for them. I hate that I look sicker now. That visually, I look like a sick person. When I look in the mirror, I don’t like that there is a reflection staring back at me I don’t like. There is a pale, thinner version of myself with dark circles around my eyes and patchy eyelashes and eyebrows (with hairs I am desperately willing not to abandon me).

I’m usually such a glass-half-full kind of gal. Many of you have remarked on my positivity and strength. Lately, through tears, those close to me have heard a lot more of my fears and pain. That optimistic gal is still there. This feels hard though. I've had some down days and thrown some rager pity parties. I have days where I feel week and defeated. Other days I feel strong and powerful. Through all of them, I know I will get better. I believe that. I know the treatment is working. The cancer is shrinking. I can get through this. I can do hard things. Yes, Greer. This is the part where I have to get sicker to get better. And get better, I will.